Happy-Sad

I am currently listening to Jennie Lusko's book, "Fighting to flourish". She wrote her book after the death of her five year old daughter Lenya. It's a great read even if you haven't lost a child. She explains ways we can fight to truly flourish in the life we are given.

One thing she talks about is the emotion she has started calling "Happy-sad". What a great way to explain how most grieving families feel during their fight to flourish.

Last weekend we went to Deral's favorite place, Tombstone. We got to walk the streets dressed in 1800's period clothing and watch reenactments of the historic events that took place there. It was really fun. And really sad.

The best, and only way to describe any day, but especially days spent creating new memories is "happy-sad". I am so very happy to spend time with my surviving kiddos, husband and friends, creating memories and experiencing life. But I am also so, very sad that Deral isn't here to enjoy these times with us.

Every experience is tainted by the tremendous feelings of loss and regret.

Every would-be joyous occasion is contaminated by the stench of should-be's.

We had the opportunity to have a mini photo shoot of our family all dressed up. It was fun and needed. We found an unused row of buildings that looked straight out of the very best Western to model our costumes and document our time together.

Looking back through the pictures, the glaring hole seems to consume the images. My eyes only find the space that should have held Deral. My heart only wishes for his sweet smile to be included.

I love looking at the snapshots of our family enjoying life together, but every ounce of my being wishes for us to be complete.

There is no other term that could better describe every one of my days; happy-sad.

I am happy-sad. For now and forever, until we finally meet again.

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