Hope
People frequently tell me how they couldn't imagine what it feels like to lose a child. I am always left with no explanation. Putting into words the horror of continuing to live in this world without my son is just not possible. The closest thing I can compare my internal struggle to is this global pandemic. The entire world feels scary and unknown. There is confusion and worry laced in every encounter. Governments are closing entire countries, shelves are empty and people are feeling out of control and scared of the future. The chaos our world is in is just a small glimpse into my mind after losing my son. Child loss, just as any loss, leaves us feeling out of control and fearful of the future.
Bones and I went to Walmart in the days after Deral died and I was shocked to see the store open and functioning normally. I felt like it should look like it does now with shelves cleared and people worried. Instead, nothing was different. I remember standing in the clothes section holding a T-shirt with the words, “Y’all need Jesus” written across the front looking around the store seeing families shopping and people laughing. I felt like I wanted to scream. The things going on around me did not match the terror and confusion I was feeling. All of the painful emotions surging through my body collided with the bewilderment of the life moving along without me. The emotions searched for a way out of my body, the irony of the shirt I was now holding forced a cackling laugh to erupted from my mouth. Control had left my grasp. I laughed so hard in that clothes aisle my sides hurt and tears ran down my face. During this fit I realized, this world no longer made sense. All I was left with was the option of whether or not I was going to trust in God, no matter what.
I’m sure I received many strange looks that day during my hysterical giggling, but I also received a gift from the Lord. My sweet Father in Heaven gave me hope. He whispered truths into my heart and commanded destruction to leave. He reminded me of the unwavering hope I needed. He impressed Isaiah 40:31 onto my heart, "and those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, they will mount wings like eagles, they will run and not faint." Oh how I needed those wings, how I needed to not faint.
I want to share that gift of hope with you now. While the stores are now aligning with the feelings of my heart. While governments are closing down countries and while the people of the world are feeling unsure and out of control, there is a gift for all of us. There is hope.
Friend, read that again… there is ALWAYS HOPE.
I recently listened to a sermon by Holly Furtick about hope. She talked about the “Hope Cycle”. She explained that the trials we face in this life produce endurance, the endurance produces proven character, and our character then produces hope, then hope circles back around and produces endurance again. Romans 5:3-5 The hope cycle. It's beautiful and we can all apply it to our lives.
I had been seeing this cycle play out in my life. I had been enduring deep grief, somehow waking each morning, seeking the Lord (really I was grasping for anything to relieve the gut wrenching pain), then finding hope of salvation which in turn allowed me to continue to endure. What a gift!
Friends, we all can live in this cycle if we choose. We need hope now more than ever.
1 Thessalonians 5:8 says “...Let us be self-controlled and put on the armor of faith and love, and the helmet of the hope of salvation.”. We mustn't live in fear of the changing world around us, but rely on the hope of the Lord. There is a reason the Lord likens hope as the helmet. The helmet protects our brain, the decision maker. Spiritual attacks originate in the mind, it must be protected by the armor of hope.
At the end of the day, all we have is hope. I am here to tell you, even in the darkest times, hope in Jesus is enough. Cling to that truth friend, this time is fleeting. This virus will run its course. The shelves will be stocked again, and someday, sooner than we all realized, we will be living healthy and whole with king Jesus. Hope in that fact and endure.