The Peace of Oblivion
I've been blessed with an unawareness to time. It's hard for me to keep up with the date, or even what day of the week it is. It is nearly impossible to comprehend. I call this a blessing because even if I wanted to, I am unable to count the days Deral has been gone. I just realized that 2 days ago was 4 whole months since Deral has went to Heaven. I've never went this long without seeing one of my beautiful kids.
I remember when Morgan was just a couple months old and Deral was two years old. My sweet In-laws and Husband formulated a plan, for my Husband and I to go away for the weekend. I left completely unwillingly. I had never spent the night away from either one of my kids at that point. I remember panicking, unsure if my babies knew I was coming home or if they were able to sleep without me there to tuck them in. Of course when I returned, a full day earlier than planned, they were fine. Happy little babies, excited to see their mommy and daddy. When Creek came along, it was much more difficult to leave him. He was a clingy baby and was nursed to sleep until he was 18 months old. We attempted sleep overs with my Sister In-law, Mother In-law and Grandmother to no avail. He was not having it, and to be honest, I was secretly happy.
Once, we let my big kids go to Oklahoma for TWO FULL WEEKS to stay with their cousins. My husband literally had to restrain me from jumping in the car and driving to go get them on night three. My body physically hurt from being away from them. After one week, they were ready to come home. It was torture explaining that they would have to wait another week before we saw them again. In the end, we all got through those two weeks apart and it was a great vacation for them.
The finality of the indefinite time that we will spend without seeing our son is enormous. We know one day we will meet again in Heaven, but we are unsure what that meeting will look like. As with so many things with God, our meeting is a mystery. This season of waiting for our reunion is heart-wrenching. Waking up each morning knowing our baby boy isn't in his bed and that we will never hear his sweet voice again on earth is unfathomable. I want to count the minutes and hours since my baby left us for Heaven, but the Lord allows the peace of oblivion. He allows the focus to shift to the hours, days and years to come where His grace is enough. His comfort surpasses all things. His love carries us through this life until the sweet day we get to see our boy and our Savior again.There are no words or ways to express the emotions we feel. We only have the ability to cling to the memories of our boy and the promises of our Lord. I think God is blurring my timeline so that I remember not to focus on the days without Deral or count down the days I get to go be with him. I think without the awareness of the calendar, I have the ability to focus on the blessings I have and will receive. I am able to recognize the reminders of God's grace. My mind isn't stuck on a timetable, of which, I have no control. I am left to focus on the impact I can make and the lives my family’s story can touch, through Jesus.