Eight things a grieving parent wants you to know .
Grief is a taboo subject in itself, add in child loss and it is unspeakable. As a mother of a child who died, I know. I’ve compiled a list of things that I wish people would know and understand. This life isn't one I would wish on anyone. We need love, kindness, and understanding to survive. People who have never suffered the loss of a child may not understand why we are the way we are. Here are some ideas to help you better support those of us, who are learning to live life without a piece of our hearts.
1. Be patient with us.
We may have outbursts of anger or frustration. The outburst may seem unwarranted to you because there was seemingly nothing to upset us. The fact is, we are spending the majority of our energy to just breathe. Any upset to the routine can cause us to fall out of control. Uncontrollable crying and displaying of emotion is common in this life, as well as displaying no emotion. We are constantly trying to keep our thoughts, feelings, and memories in check. Sometimes it's easier to just turn our emotions off. If we don't display the proper level of excitement or cry uncontrollably, it's because the scale has been tipped. Just hug us and sit with us until we regain control.
2. Speak about our child who died.
You are not reminding us our precious child has died. Believe me, a bereaved parent has not forgotten for one second that their child is no longer on this earth. We are constantly having that reality playing in the background of our minds. Speaking about our kids brings us joy, even if it brings tears along with it.
3. Ask us how we are doing.
Please ask us how we are feeling, unless you don’t want to know the real answer. We feel lost, out of control, sad and broken, but we also feel thankful, joyful, hopeful, and sometimes even happy. Handling our feelings with gloves doesn't help us. We are all striving for some sense of normalcy in this abnormal life. People skirting around us only makes us feel even more wrong and dejected. Upon entering this club no one wants to join, we were given a mask. Allowing us the opportunity to take that mask off, even just for a brief moment, is freeing. We will appreciate the effort and for stepping out of your comfort zone more than we could express.
4. Invite us out.
A grieving mother assumes no one wants to be around them. We all feel terrible, then we feel terrible for feeling terrible. We automatically think our friends and family are tired of watching us fall apart and we feel like no one wants us around. Because of this, we will try to distance ourselves. Don't let us. We need social outings more than ever before. We need distraction, interactions, support, and normalcy. We need to feel like we aren't diseased. We need to feel like our people still love us. Remember, we are consumed by guilt. Guilt brings feelings of self-loathing, and trust me, we already feel like failures. Help us believe that we are still loved. We are still humans, we may be sad, but we are capable of having fun too.
5. Pray for us and tell us about it.
The isolation we feel parenting a dead child is deafening. The nights become crippling. We've wore our mask all day and used enormous amounts of energy doing basic tasks. Even showering and getting dressed consumes ridiculous amounts of determination. We need to know people are interceding on our behalf. We have prayed all the words we know how to pray with, and still we are left with only sending silent tears. We have forgotten what to pray for and often times find ourselves just saying our child's name over and over. Our Lord knows what we need, but knowing our friends are asking for peace is comforting to us.
6. Share stories about our kids.
Parent’s favorite conversations are about their kids. Grieving parents are no different. We love hearing about how our child affected you. We want to laugh about past memories along with you. We want to know the adorable things our kids said, and the kindness they showed to others. Our future with our child was taken from us, all we have is our past. Share those times with us. We will cling to those stories like a lifeline.
7. Check on us.
Reach out and ask us how we are doing. Just check in. Sending a simple text or a phone call can sustain us to make it through another day. Bereaved parents are exhausted. Day to day life becomes overwhelming. Our minds are a mess. We have become forgetful and often find ourselves lost in thought, or having no thoughts at all. Don't expect a survivor of child loss to reach out to you. We are focused on simply surviving. Even if we do remember to call, the unrelenting fear of breaking down keeps us from doing so. The support you can give is paramount in this life. We already feel alone and forgotten. Show us that you are thinking about us and that you are there for us.
8. Support us during outings.
If you've succeeded in getting your loved one out of the house, remember we live a double life. Even if we look carefree on the outside our minds are playing the devastating reality of our situation over and over in the background. We may seem like we are enjoying ourselves, but in reality we are keeping score of all the things our child is missing. All the moments we wont experience with our kids. A bereaved parents will feel utterly alone even in the busiest events. A simple pat on the shoulder and a knowing look is all it takes to let your loved one know that they aren't alone.
I pray these things will help you give the best support to your friend or family member who has experienced the worst of things. There are never any words for a situation like this. Just know that your presence, prayers, involvement, patience and sometimes persistence are always enough.