Rescued
I haven't written anything in close to 3 weeks. I have been sad. Oh man I've been so very sad. I stopped writing, thinking it was pointless. Everything was pointless. I lost sight of what is important. I lost sight of Jesus. I became ashamed after the first Wednesday blog I missed. Then, I became depressed after the second.
I reverted back into my prideful tendencies of believing that I have the power to mess up so badly that God's will would be limited by ME! I compensated for my feelings of doom by trying extra hard to paint the appearance of having my life together. I baked and painted, not because I wanted to, but so I looked like I wasn't falling apart. I shared activities I did with the kids not because I was proud of my effort, but in a desperate attempt to feel like a good mom.
Laundry piled up, dishes were left undone. Sleep was all I wanted yet it constantly evaded me. I spent the last 3 weeks slipping into a pit of fear, hopelessness and despair. Life felt meaningless and cruel. Severe anxiety had been strangling my heart causing my lungs to lose their ability to breathe. I felt crazy, out of control, worthless and purposeless.
I told myself I was a failure. There were non profits popping up in THREE WEEKS to help with the covid-19 pandemic. How was I STILL just trying to piece together a simple gift for grieving families. "I should be using this time to get our ministry off the ground, I should be using this time to write my book, speak to the hopeless, encourage the grieving, praying, seeking, loving… I should be doing so much more. I SHOULD BE SO MUCH MORE."
Oh then God. God showed up big, as usual. He spoke into my scared places. He released the fear that had been crippling my heart. He spoke life over my doubt and replaced the turmoil with His everlasting peace. He showed me His goodness through the hugs of my kids. Through the kind nature of my husband. Through the opportunities given by my church. He showed up. That's what he does. He shows up.
I started writing again. I wrote until my fingers cramped and my eyes were swollen with cleansing tears. Through my writing Jesus reminded me of the miracles within the mundane of this life. Continuing to write my story reminded me of all the ways Jesus rescued me from the fear and self doubt. Friends, this life is so hard. There is pain upon pain and despair seemingly ready to take over. But there is HOPE. There is the best promise of hope ready and willing to fight for us. We have a Lord willing to bankrupt heaven and walk this earth only to be chastised and beaten and eventually killed for us. You and me. He is our rescuer. He can care less about the work we do or the achievements we strive for. He isn't concerned about the projects we complete during this lock down. He is only concerned with our heart. Our willingness to say yes to Him. Even if we have to make that choice every second. Even if it's barely a whisper. We must say yes.
Friends, these last few weeks have been trying to say the least, for all of us. I know there are people out there feeling just like I have. I am here to be used by your good Father to remind you, you are worthy, you are precious, you are alive in victory because of Jesus. There is nothing you can do or not do to change that. I want to pray with you. If you are feeling hopeless, friend I know that feeling. Let's stick together and fellowship. Let's lift our voices high and praise our King. For He is good and He has won!