Why Should I Pray?
"The enemy is a liar!" I screamed at the doctor as he showed me the scans of my perfect son's brain. "You have no idea what you are talking about, MY GOD IS BIGGER THAN THIS!"
Deral took his last breath 17 hours after the accident. During those hours I never stopped believing that the Lord would allow for total healing of my son. My mind didn't understand that the way he would be healed would be in Heaven. I prayed fiercely over my son. I screamed at anyone who would try to tell me to prepare for the unthinkable. I believed in the power of the Living God. I threw examples of Jesus raising people from the dead. I clung to the hope of the empty tomb. Examples, after examples of the power of God tumbled out of my mouth. I knew deep in my bones, our story would be just like those of the bible, a miracle. I clung to my Father in heaven and His goodness. I believed He didn't want this for us.
I held Deral in my arms and sang to him our favorite songs. The nurses removed all the wires and tubes and I watched my sweet boy transition from this world into the next while images of his sweet smile danced across my mind. Feelings of peace washed over me and I was content holding my baby.
I spent the following weeks wrestling with the power of prayer. I felt jipped and wrong. I stood up for God in that hospital and I felt wrong. I had screamed at doctors about the healing miracles God would perform. I didn't Understand how my faith, which was much larger than a mustard seed, did not save my son.
I've spent the last two years second guessing God's power. I never wavered from my faith in the one, true God, nor with His love for us. I did, however, struggle with the reasons behind prayer.
"Why should I pray? God's going to do what He wants anyway." I believed in my heart that God is sovereign. I trusted that His ways were the best ways, even if that meant I had to live with the excruciating pain of losing my son. But I didn't understand the reason for praying.
I was faced with prayer requests from countless people living through similar horrors as I had. I would tell them I was praying, and I did. I went through the motions of sending and writing prayers. Each prayer came from the bottom of my heart and I hoped beyond hope it did something to rescue the hurting. But every prayer I said was tainted by the uncertainty of the meaning of prayer.
Then it hit me. In a conversation with a friend about a chair, the Lord revealed to my heart the reason why we pray. My friend had been asking God to provide a chair for her office. Up until this point she was perching on her fireplace recording videos for her ministry and really desired a beautiful chair to sit on while she spoke hope and love and encouragement over hundreds of women. She shared with me her fervent prayer for a specific chair. She had the image of "her" chair in her mind and knew if she received it it would be from God. She did receive that chair and she knew it was directly from Jesus. Her face shone bright with only the light of a child of God as she spoke about the gift, the answered prayer.
That's when it made sense. God will give gifts always. But we can only recognize the gift for what it is when we ask for it. If my friend wasn't brave enough to ask her Father for the gift of the chair, she would have never seen God's hand at work. She would have been delighted by the chair, sure, but she wouldn't have realized how special she is to her loving God, the God that gives and gives abundantly.
The same goes for unanswered prayer. God is sovereign, Yes, but he is kind and loving. So when I prayed for my baby to be healed the Lord healed him in the best way. I can only think of Jesus on the cross, crying out to the Lord "my God, my God, why have you forsaken me?". God never turned His back on Jesus and He did not turn His back on me while my son laid dying in a hospital bed. Only He knows the future. Only He knows the goodness that He creates out of despair.
This revelation paved that road for healing for my heart. I had first thought I didn't Pray hard enough, or believe fully enough. But God in His grace reminded me that even through unanswered prayer He is speaking, He is transforming, He is working, EVERYTHING for good.
Now, let me explain, I still don't understand why our family had to live through tragedy. I will never accept the death of my son as a good thing. But I can see that even in destruction, the Lord God is good and he will make everything good.
I also need to explain that I do not believe God "needed" Deral. I do not believe God "took" Deral for any reason. This all applies to your loss as well. I believe death is a byproduct of a fallen world and a direct attack from our very real, invisible enemy. I do, however believe, that Jesus went to hell and defeated death and therefore, we get eternity with our loved ones and our Creator. Yet, even with the gift of eternity, there will never be a time where I am thankful for my son's death or any other hard thing, but that gift reminds me of how the Lord turns all things into good.
My understanding of prayer has changed. Prayer is not a negotiation with the Creator of the world. Prayer is more like tuning a radio to better hear the station. It allows our hearts to hear from The One who knows us best. It creates a platform for conversation with our Father and widens our eyes to see Him working. There is no such thing as an unanswered prayer. Once we align our minds and hearts to the ways of the Lord we can then see the miracles He is performing, the gifts He is giving and the attacks He is blocking.