Fear
I talk often about choice. When we are faced with hard things we are actually faced with a choice, so it's fitting that my days are filled with choices. Choices to continue breathing, continue seeking the Lord, continue transforming, continuing to thrive in this world full of hurt.
If you know me well, I have probably told you about my irrational fear of being arrested. Yes, arrested, by police. I usually share this bizarre fear wrapped in laughter and jokes. But the reality is I am terrified of being arrested. Handcuffs scare me, authority scares me, being taken from my family and locked away scares me. I even have nightmares about being arrested.
It seems ridiculous since I am a law abiding person. I'm not running a secret drug ring, nor do I partake in illegal animal fighting. I might drive a few miles over the speed limit but, by no means am I joining in street racing. Still, anytime I spot a police car my heart jumps and my palms sweat. I become anxious and I have to talk myself through the fear.
"You've done nothing wrong, they aren't coming for you. You've broken no laws. They are not going to arrest you"!
While I realize this fear is ridiculous, it is still powerful and feels heavy on my heart.
The months before the accident that took my son, I was fearful. I had developed fear so powerful I found myself unable to grocery shop. I lived with constant stomach aches and my head pounded uncontrollably. Fear had taken over my life and dictated where I could go, when I could go there and who I could go with. I was trapped.
After experiencing my very worst fear and living through it, fear had seemingly released its grip. I felt free of fear. Worry stopped inserting itself in every thought and I encouraged myself and my kids to live life fully and abundantly. Our family adopted the phrase "YOLO" (you only live once). I was determined to help my kids, and myself, fully experience life in the best, freest way possible.
It was ecstasy. For the first time in my life, fear didn't have me in a strangle-hold. Of course, every experience was tainted by longing for my son to be there. Every joy was damped by the regret of who I was before Deral's death. Every ounce of me wished Deral could have seen his momma be this free, so not scared.
Living without constant fear was not brought on out of lack of caring. I didn't have a death wish nor did I think more bad things couldn't happen to us. The release of fear was nothing more than a miracle from God. It was a revelation of my lack of control and just how little fear does to keep the hard things from happening. Fear lost its grip on me during that time because Jesus was so close, because I let Him be so close. I CHOSE to release the fear and allow Jesus into the scared places.
I am now again faced with that difficult choice. I must decide whether I choose to trust fully in God, or not.
Fear has found its way back into my heart. I have become scared again, of everything. This world's issues have done nothing to lessen that fear, but I realize that the world has always been a scary place and if I allow it everything will feel scary.
I realize that I have again allowed my fear to take up residence in the places that I had once allowed Jesus to reside. Without realizing it, I pushed Jesus out of the deepest parts of me and fear came rushing back into those places. My heart beats fast, all the time. My mind swirls with "what if's" and "could be's" constantly. Fear of failure, fear of death, fear of authority, fear of loss, crippling, breath-stealing, fear. Fear of everything and everyone has my heart.
Panic seems to circle me, waiting to devour at the slightest glimpse of weakness. Anxiety clenches my lungs tight at the slightest hint of upset. My mind races with possible scenarios of more hard things coming my way. Every word spoken, every action taken feels like an impossible mountain growing into a beast of turmoil and destruction. Peace seems to run from me, forever evading my grasp.
Then choice speaks. An image of the tight rope I have spoken about enters my mind. I see myself crouching down clinging to the rope with my entire body, willing myself to hang on tighter to the rope of this life. I can see the pit on the side of me, ugly, dark and swirling with fear. I force my mind to move to the other side of the rope, taking in the beauty of the hands of Jesus, strong and capable, ready to catch me when I finally release my grip.
Friends, we all have a choice. Maybe yours doesn't look like mine. Maybe fear doesn't grip you like it does me. Maybe addiction or pride has you in its clutches. But the choice is the same. Do you trust?
Do you trust in the One who hung the stars in the sky and tells the sea where to end? Do you believe in the power of the One who hung himself on the cross to give us the gift of freedom? Do you trust in the God who created you from dust? Do you trust in the Father that calls you by name?
The choice is easy, the follow through is hard. Taming the beast that lives in each of us takes persistence and endurance. But there is Hope. His name is Jesus. When the world seems dark, He is the light. When fear seems so big, He is the biggest. When the enemy comes calling out each one of your failures, Jesus reminds us that He has set it all right. When panic enters your heart, the Prince of Peace is there to comfort.
At the end of the day I am scared. I am terrified of letting people down, myself down, my God down. I am scared of weakness. I am scared of my faults ruining my chance for love, true abundant love. But thank God, my weakness was planned for. It was addressed by Jesus himself.
"he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
2 Corinthians 12:9
Oh how sweet our God is. I will, today, boast in my weaknesses, because only then Jesus' strength is made perfect.